Back in the good old Camel Light days it was much easier to make my resolution because I'm certain I always just resolved to quit smoking (still miss it). Here it is, the third day of the new year and I'm still not sure about this important decision which will significantly impact my life for the next week or so; perhaps this demonstrates that my life is perfect.I'd resolve to run a marathon, but I think that this would be contradictory to a previous resolution (or ten) which involved profanity and vowing that I'd never do another. Maybe a triathlon then? There has to be a goal that will require me to obtain one of these fabulous garments. Cyndi? Lisa??
Additionally, in order to do my part for the environment I resolve to ATTEMPT to cover my husbands ass. Besides the obvious aesthetic issues, an unexpected visual confrontation can cause a sudden onset of hyperventilation and I just don't want to be responsible for the carbon emissions generated by these episodes. Where are those stanky little Greenpeace punks when you really need them?
I also resolve to bitch endlessly about the dumb star occupying my parkway, either that or take the wise advice offered by Cliff regarding the use of a chainsaw. That thang is ooglie.
Last year I resolved to shed around 300 lbs, but he's still here so I'll try to at least rephrase that particular goal. Maybe we'll re-say our vows? They'll be slightly different than the originals, who knows, maybe we could swear to live on different continents. The good news is that I've already found the perfect cake!
14 comments:
wow. good resolutions. =) I just posted my lack thereof as well.
Happy New Year Edith!!!
Come on now Edith... How are we to believe that "crack" is your husbands? You are so tiny and cute.. he is ugh........I wont say say it as I think you would be a bit prickly if someone other than yourself called Mr Bunker names! As for a resolution? nah who needs one. As for getting rid of the star? Do it ....do it......do it..... (I can hear the rrrrrrrrr of the chainsaw revving up!) Happy days are here again, Mrs B.
The sad part of the whole star fiasco, is the entertainment I got out of it. 1) Watching Archie (bad back and all) helping Hector lift the monstrosity off of the back patio down 15 feet to the driveway. 2) Seeing the realization dawn that he himself had actually designed the original star to be too big. Yes the star in the picture is substantially reduced in size from the original. 3) Hector's question to Archie about pedestrian safety. 4) Archie's question to me if removing a point to reduce the size would then make it a Star of David. 5) My wife and daughter story about how the star guided them home from their shopping trip.
ahhh Camel Lights...the Cigarette of choice of Sluts, I mean, Vivacious women the world over..
I've already lost 5 ugly lbs...yep, took a dump. Could have done Apgars on that baby...
Did 10 miles yesterday...
OK it was just driving Mrs D's car to make sure the Waterpump I stole, I mean, installed didn't leak.
So your husband weighs 300lbs??? at least it makes the calculations easier, I mean if you were going to poison him with Arsenic/Thallium/Cyanide/Ricin....
Frank
Nice to you see back peedee! Happy new year!
Aww shucks Gia! And please please please feel free to trash my husband, that's what we do here!
And yes Whale, I suppose that I am pleased that The Star made your Christmas happy and served to reunite your family. Just don't tell Archie because he'll be extra mad when I torch it if he hears that it served some type of purpose. Maybe the Good Capt. Schmoe will swing by and give some advice on how to safely burn that stupid thing down.
Frank: Thank you for the sexy bowel update, that Mrs. D sure is one luck lady! And yes, proud sluts everywhere prefer Camels.
Would have to be early in the year; I could be preggers by the end. I would do it only if my outfit could match yours.
Preggers again??? whoohoo! No excuse, we COULD match and I just know it comes in a maternity size.
Ooooh Mrs. B, I would have to discourage you from using incendiary means for the disposal of that star. Arson is a serious felony in most states. I am not sure your services would be truly appreciated in the custodial setting.
Might I suggest a reverse psychology approach. Now that Christmas is over, suggest to him that a large heart might be in order. Then on February 15, test his carpentry skills by asking him to rebuild it as a large shamrock. You get the picture.
If he is like most of my male friends, he will soon grow tired of the whole idea, especially if he feels you support it. It will soon go the way of most household projects. Plus it will provide many hour of entertainment for your neighbors.
Glad to be of help Mrs. B, that's what I do.
OK Captain/ Dr. Phil.
I think your on his side. He would LOVE to do a giant heart, shamrock, Easter egg, these would necessitate many trips to the hardware store and throw down major delays on the garage cleaning.
Also, when he looses interest the last decoration would stay out there indefinitely which means sooner or later I'd have to set something on fire. I can blame it on a neighbor kid though; arson charges are easier for juvies, right?
Well, Mrs. B., since trashing Archie is what we do here, I have something I would like to share. I have seen/interacted with him exactly once--and, well, THAT was enough. I shall never forget it, even though I do try to let go of all the less than positive in my humble (read: frequently catastrophic!) life. I will summarize: a child; potty training; an accident; excessive screaming & belittling (sp?); CrazyPoet wanting to Bobbitt Archie's sorry ass, then jam that member UP his ass. Sideways. There I feel better now. Any luck finding a biology class in need of an oversized toad????
P.S. Oops, this was about resolutions, wasn't it? Mea culpa. My resolution? To make no resolutions. A win-win situation!
dang C.P. you shoulda told me, I know where all the sharp objects are kept in the family home! Happy New Year!
Well, Mrs. B, should we ever find ourselves in a similar situation, please let me know where they are hidden, and I will, you know...
i need the pez. who doesn't?
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