Mother is a retired mental health professional and she says calling my husband "crazy"is rude to crazy people. I mean no disrespect to anybody, but I don't know what to call him because the dude's straight up whacked. He makes Niece Nash from Clean House whimper in her sleep because of his irrational puchasing tendencies (I do not know this as a solid fact but it would make perfect sense). He's a friggin' disaster.Note to anybody trying to clean out their garage/shed/landfill: slap some price tags on your filthy outdated craptastic junk, call it your "inventory" and invite Mr. Bunker over; your storage problems will be solved, and you'll have a few extra bucks in you pocket.
Today's photo display demonstrates the wide array of shit that that crazy (sorry Mom) asshole can find if he is left unattended for even a short period of time.
The tower of towels was the prize from a wander through Macy's. We don't need towels, the colors don't match any of our existing towels, and if I wanted to buy anything even as trivial as a pair of socks he'd clutch at his chest and hyperventilate about how we're broke, broke, broke, EXTRA BROKE! (example: don't throw those socks away! MY GOD can't you sew those holes up, my mother would have sewn those holes up, blahblahblah).
The towels that we don't need were on sale for seven dollars each, which he thought was such a grand bargain that he bought 15 of them. If anybody has a powder blue bathroom, I can hook you right up with linens, don't be shy about asking. really.
Next stop was CVS, where he picked up 8 Cubs Pez dispensers,
12 boxes of Mint Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Bites (CVS brand)
10 packets of Christmas tissue paper (to add to the 10 that he got last year)
4 packages of "butter" cookies that were not actually made with butter and look like they've been used as some sort of percussion instruments.Finally (not pictured), one large bag of foil wrapped CVS brand Christmas chocolates of such low quality that even in the throes of a chocolate urge I will not eat them; my standards are not high but they do exist.
If anybody has the slightest wish for any of these items, please notify me. It better be soon, otherwise I'll probably be crushed under the mounting debris.
18 comments:
This is hilarious. I'll keep y'all in mind come spring when I clean out the garage. My FIL will do the same nutty shopping thing. Only, he will also tell you about it for several hours in minutest detail.
He is sick. No really. I just re-did my bathroom and powder blue doesnt work. Can you tell me next time he goes shopping so I can put my order in??
I, for once, am truly speechless. My deepest sympathies.
Very truly yours,
Joseph Schmoe
My god Mrs. Bunker...
...
...
...
...He's as bad as my grandmother(on my mother's side) who buys anything on sale, and in huge quantities.
If steak is on sale she'll buy ten packs of it...
...now, this wouldn't be bad...but she doesn't cook...ever. EVER. So the meat typically goes off.
...I'm off to have a heart attack now. Too much bloody junk.
I suppose cutting up his credit cards has crossed your mind? My ex used to do stuff like this. Once her purse got stolen and I didn't report it right away because the thief was spending less than she was.
My bathroom is blue.....how much are you charging for the towels? love your blog ...
Hey cliff, maybe we could form a family support group or something. we could trade the goods and make fun of the crazies, of course I would love to know every detail of you're FIL's acquisitions. not really.
Peedee: I saw pics of your paint, and there is some blue happening there. you sure you don't want those towels??
Capt: I know about your Cubs thing. You sure you don't want those Pez dispensers? They could be fun at the firehouse.
Hey RW! nothin like a hoarding post to shake you outta the woodwork. no books, sorry.
CJ: I think he can smell cash. Really.
and you could use those cookie dough blobs as a pre-race food, nice little carb load??
Anon: say the word and they are in the mail. I respond to praise. thanks for visiting!
I was fortunate enough to experience this first hand over Christmas when you and Archie and my son and I had a wonderful outing to the local Wal-Mart.
My son had fun counting the number of adults shopping in pajamas with you, and Archie had the true dilemma of how many inedible cookies to buy.
These are the sugar cookies, that are so sweet, that even kids can't finish a whole one before going into a catatonic sugar shock. But they were 10 for $1. Last I saw he had 7 packages--3 for the kids and 4 to take to church.
I never did see the cookies served to the kids, so he probably ate them all on his drive home.
Man, what a freak...
Except for the Pez, I like Pez, make that LOVE Pez, so much sugar you can feel your pancreas quivering to squeeze out every last insulin molecule...
I don't bother with the dispensers though, just get the refills, much more economical...
and don't even get me started on the Pixi Stixx.....
Frank
Geeeez that sure is little old grandma behavior... I'll take a box or two of the chocolate.
-SCNS
c'mon SCNS, all I need is an address, I flip for postage!
Remember Edith...Ebay is your friend!
Sock Mince Pie
3 eggs
1/2 c. heavy cream
1/4 pound limburger cheese
1/4 tsp. cream of tartar
1/4 c. minced onions
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 Tbs. cooking oil, either olive oil or pepper oil
dash salt
eight old socks
one pie crust, prepared (Note: Whole wheat crust preferred)
Preheat over to 375 degrees Farenheit.
Wash socks thoroughly and pat dry. cut into 1/2" square pieces. Set aside.
Crumble or slice limburger cheese into very small pieces to line pastry crust.
Saute onions and garlic in 2 Tbs. good olive oil. Add salt. Pour mixture on top of limburger layer.
Add socks to onions and limburger. let cool, slightly, then
Beat three eggs in 1/2 cup heavy cream to make a custard. Pour over sock layer. Gently fold layers together then bake for 30-35 minutes or until custard is completely solid in center of pie.
Serve with green salad and crusty pieces of bread coated in treacle.
It's a family favorite for years to come!
Ann T., if the recipe calls for Limburger cheese is it really necessary to wash the socks?
Dear Mrs. Bunker,
I suppose not. However, sand sometimes has a texture at odds with the other nuances of the pie.
Ann T.
Ya know Mrs. B, I could just drive by next time I'm in the city. I'm sure I could find the Bunker house, if not the star to guide me, I'm sure he'll have something out front. BUT WAIT, maybe he'll bring home even better stuff this weekend!!!!!
-SCNS
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