Thursday, January 31, 2008

call Dr. Phil

My marriage is apparently so blatantly bad that it has now been referred to as "birth control for marriage." And I thought I was being such a good soldier... It's just a stage. Everyone ends up in the same place after 10 years and two kids, right??

There is no "Soul Mate", so quit looking. People who say they have found their Soul Mate are generally people in the early stages of a relationship, and they are so busy humping each other that they haven't had time to figure out that they don't really like each other that much. I believe the term and concept of the "soul mate" is a myth, which was started by a misquoted Cinderella; when the prince showed up with the other shoe she said "oh here's my SOLE mate" referring, of course to her shoe, not the idiot bearing it. Next, Danielle Steele got her mitts on it, and dewy eyed teenagers everywhere bought into the concept and expect, as a birthright, seamless blissful love forever; subsequently the entire institution of marriage is foundering. Twits.

In today's discussion with a young single woman about what to look for in a mate, I suggested that it boils down to one simple principal: DON'T MARRY A CRAZY ASSHOLE. Money, looks, sex, blah blah blah. Just try to find someone sane. And if it turns out that I'm the crazy one after all, I guess I need someone more in tune with my own insanity. So I'm getting ready to throw on my wedding gown and go car shopping with Brittney Spears (don't worry, I won't be doing any vageen flashing).

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Flunking pre-K

When H. attended the preschool which costs roughly triple what I paid for undergrad, I really thought the report cards were just a courtesy. I mean really; 5 exhaustive pages of evaluation for a 3 year old? So for those parent-teacher meetings, I figured all the sunshine being blown up my ass about my brilliant child was just because I was writing a lot of big checks to them.

So it was somewhat shocking to go for my first sit-down regarding N. Turns out, they do check those other boxes sometimes. After the first 5 or so minutes I was having visions of the short bus and the "special" class. Oh Lord, what did I do? was it the coffee during my pregnancy? Or my somewhat early delivery, which occurred because I prayed so hard for it and I had a foot massage which probably knocked him loose? Was it because I really hated being pregnant? The drugs in the 7th month to aid the passage of the kidney stones?
Should I hire tutors? Maybe it was the 2 tuna melts, even though I specifically ordered them to hold the mercury?? "Pearl Jam" Black album. That must have been it, with it's dour lyrics and loud noises. I used to listen to it all the time during my pregnancy. Most of the time felt like howling along with Eddie Vetter.

Soon reality set in . He's only just turned friggin 4. He has to do another preK year anyway because of his September birthday. Holy shit am I loosing my mind, or what? Priorities, always priorities. It's not like he has a heart defect or red hair. Time to refocus and concentrate on the things that are really important, like my manicure which got ruined by me picking away during my parent teacher meeting. That bitch teacher, she's ruining my life.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


Generally speaking, I like my job. Well, for today anyway.

I've had some very bad jobs, including morning newspaper delivery drone, breakfast waitress, deli girl,and cocktail waitress. I once answered a classified ad for "light housekeeping and assisting a disabled person" but it turned out to be an escort service, so I didn't take the job despite my dire financial straights.

Newspaper delivery: Pure shit. PURE SHIT. My parents should be arrested for child abuse for sending me out daily at that hour (5am) when I was 13. EVERY DAY. All to be riding my crappy Schwinn through rain, sleet, snow, in sickness or in health. The only benefit will be having it to lord over my children when I'm giving them the parental "you're worthless and lazy" lecture.

Breakfast Waitress: Well hell, I was already used to being up at 5. But in a "Little House in the Prairie" dress?? pouring coffee for truckers and cops? Also, people in the heartland tend to be poor tippers.

Deli Girl: In a grocery store where the main currency was food stamps. People ordered head cheese. Do you know what head cheese is? Wrong, that's what it is. It looks like moldy fish eyes in a bucket of snot.

Cocktail waitress: out of the hinterlands, so I made a shocking amount of money compared to the breakfast gig. The short skirt and general atmosphere of consumption helped too, surely.

Chemistry 101 TA/summer research intern= eating ramen noodles and shoe leather. At least back then, coffee and cigarettes were cheap.

After all that, it was quite a disappointment to embark on my first position where I was referred to by my earned honorific, only to find that it was the very worst job I had ever had.

Monday, January 21, 2008

scoreboard & traffic signal

That's my husband, Nick. Crazy as a shithouse rat. I should have known, as his whole family is CRAZY. Not just politely crazy, but really fuckin nuts. They all hoard. His sibs who are unmarried (divorced; their spouses fled) are therefore unchecked in their hoarding. Their houses are like those that show up on the news every now and then when the neighbors report offensive odors.
When I met him, there were paths through the rooms with looming piles of old newspapers and broken lamps, some of which were shaped like fruit. He planned to repair them and collect a vast fortune in a garage sale. Where were the alarm bells? I guess I couldn't hear them over the rumbling of my starving student's stomach. Oddly enough, he was attracted to me because I'm neat; or I was prior to sharing an address with him. His crap is like cancer moving through the house.

So our 2 car attached garage (a coveted luxury downtown) is so chock-full of useless garbage we can't fit a car in there. These indispensables include a huge LCD scoreboard (?), a traffic signal-- you never know when one of those will come in handy-- and of course a set of left-handed golf clubs. Let's don't be hatin' on those lefties. These items usurp the expensive sedan which is hence either left out in the elements, or parked in an expensive indoor spot 4 blocks away.

Sometimes when I clean, I dispose of some of these bizarre odds and ends. I have to pay a small bribe to the doorman across the street to use his dumpster, as Nick has previously found his belongings in our ally trash can on his nightly trawl through the trash. He once became apoplectic because he discovered some pajamas (he doesn't wear pajamas) sized medium (he's XXL) from Goldblats (a store that's been closed for about 15 years) in the trash. So that's why I bribe the doorman.

These items clogging our garage are the things that won't fit in the WAREHOUSE that he owns.
The warehouse is a story for another day.

Sunday, January 20, 2008


Sitting/reclining on the couch today because my ass hurts. Apparently the fabulous L5 steroid injection has failed. It's not like I'd be out running today anyway, as the temperature is approaching absolute zero, froze the snot right in my nose when I went out to get the paper. I believe that leaves me with the treatment options of 1. ignoring it and hoping it goes away 2. Heroin; after all, all the cool kids are doin' it.

So I'm breakin the law and skipping church. Nick took the kids so it's just me and the puppy. I could drown him in the toilet and nobody would be any the wiser. Why is it that the dog has chosen me? He sticks to me like a barnacle. I guess he's got me pegged as the being in control of the food.

Ten days to submit cases for boards. After a long chat with my board certified girlfriend, RL, we decided that we should have saved ourselves the aggravation, giant student loan debt, the premature crows feet secondary to late nights of studying, and maybe opted to open a fruit stand or a bead store. Oh well. too late now.

This morning I had a valuable mother daughter moment with H., when I demonstrated how to hawk a luggie. I'm sure she'll treasure to moment in her memory forever, as will I.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

treatise on marriage

I'm still basically confounded by the workings of my fabulous & gleaming iPhone. I still can't figure out the iPod function, as I'm sure that the microphone was on when I had the headphones on, possibly treating my neighbors on the bus to bits of the Big Gay Romance that I accidentally purchased on Audible. I don't think the dirty parts were playing, but still. yeesh.
Last night I had a vivid dream that I was lunching with President Gerald Ford at the Wilderness resort in Wisconsin Dells; this while in the real world the little fuckin dog chewed up my coach wallet. If he gets the Prada bag or Chester (the mink) I'll squeeze the little bastard til his eyes bleed. mmkay?

So my conclusion on marriage is that you CAN live with someone that you don't like that much.
Things to pass on to my daughter:
1. don't marry anyone who has hit you, squeezed you leaving bruises or bounced you off walls. This cannot be overcome.
2. Do not marry a chronic philanderer. It turns you against all women, as you have to worry about your mate trying to poke them, even if they are older, fatter or really ugly. Some men will fuck anyone that is not his sister or mother, which leaves only your in-laws for female companionship.
3. Once you have had children the deal is sealed. Unless he's breaking the law or breaking lamps over you head you have to stay with him.

This is the conclusion that I have reached after 2 children, almost a decade of connubial bliss, and one divorce filing which cost as much as a trip to Paris.

I don't care what anyone says, divorce fucks the kids up, and once you have them, you must put their interest first even if you hate the hairy ball scratching slob that they so fondly call daddy.

When in doubt, reread the last paragraph 100 times and then have a nice cup of tea.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Love, Patience, Threats and Bribes

All you really need to know about parenting. The threats and bribes are actually the most practical applications, however you need the love & patience to avoid adding violence to the list.

The good parts of the day: 1. Nick is gone
2. Monk Marathon
3. Because of #1 I can enjoy #2.

The bad parts: 1. There's a fuckin dog in the house
2. I really screwed up the phones. Herein lies the story. I got an iPhone due to the fact that I am eminently cool (couldn't use it to save my sorry life, but looks good). So, last night I'm activating the phone, which seemed to go well until I discovered that I had entered Nick's number instead of mine. Now everything is one large snafu, all secondary to one erroneous keystroke. Of course my error was met with the sweet and kind understanding one could expect if the error was, like, accidentally launching a nukyler (per GWB) bomb, or maybe putting the baby in the blender instead of the bathtub.
So tomorrow, on my day off that I usually spend in a caffeine fueled domestic frenzy of laundry, grocery shopping and cooking for the week, I will instead be visiting cell phone stores and dealing with the truculent employees of such. They will be totally unsympathetic to my plight; even if I explain that my husband is a crazy asshole who would strangle me and throw me in a dumpster except that would mean he'd have to do his own laundry.

So that means I'll have to defer the domestic bullshit to Thursday, when I was planning to get my awful hair fixed. I'm soo blond I practically glow; all this after telling the overpriced colorist to tone it down. So even though I didn't think it was possible, she made it even lighter. When I commented to this effect, she clanged her many bracelets and put her impressive cleavage in my face as she combed through my alarming hair and explained that she had "changed my gold to vanilla". So it's all bad, but I really think a jury would see my side of things.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Loathsome fucker

So I came home today to find we have a little dog in the hose. Do I need another baby???
I've only just gotten out of the excrement-cleaning stage with the kids. Damn. Hayden wants to call it Gryffindor, of course. It's a stupid little poodle. Nicholas wants to call him Spot but he can't pronounce "s" so he sounds like he's calling him bot. Also, the dog has no spots. I'd like to kick him and call him Fucker, but then my kids won't like me anymore.
Holy shit, another day at the office, drinking stale coffee and listening to 70's disco music so the gals remember back to the day that they were gettin' their freak on.  
I'd rather eat draino than take Lyrica.  I can stand the pain better than the side effects of that shitty drug. 
N. whipped out his little wanker last night at dinner. He did a little dance, then returned to his tater tot casserole as if nothing was out of order.  So I told him to keep his little noodle in his pants and rendered many grave threats which were totally ignored. 
H. now drags this little halogen lamp with her wherever she goes because it has an ipod dock.  She is obsessed with Harry Potter and listens to the audiobooks on her lamp whenever possible.  The fucking light doesn't even work.  She has also started referring to her large bowel movements as Draco's and small ones as Crable and  Goyle.  Who knows, maybe she'll get a scholarship for Harry Potter trivia. 

Monday, January 7, 2008

the new year

Oh the scintillating excitement of new kitchen gadgets. I am ushering in the new year by using my immersion blender; I'm just barely containing my roiling emotions. As well as a blender, you see, it also has a power whisk.

Also, for this year I have made the radical change of purchasing the New York Times Almanac instead of The Word Almanac, talk about personal growth.

I'm still trying to decide if I like my new fat ass or not. The love handles must go, but filling in the caboose is not all bad. The problem is my clothes don't fit properly and I look a little trashy. I suppose that I've been consoling myself over my inability to run with great shitloads of chocolate is the main contributing factor to my new voluptuous, almost size 4 self.

Stay tuned for the story of the play date/interrogation.