Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Mr. Bunker Visits the Hospital

The BEST HPI (History of present illness) ever, delivered by my very own Archie Bunker!

My super fine baby daddy got some kind of illness, felt bad for a few days and decided at 9pm Monday that the end was well-nigh upon him. This involved lots of groaning "get the gun", moaning, swearing and declarations of ever-lasting love and devotion throughout this illness which is referred to by many as "The Flu".

He was seen earlier in the day by the lovely Dr. FK ; labs were ordered and the "tincture of time" and "rest, plenty of fluids, and suck it up you baby" talks were administered. By evening he was absolutly incensed that he had not recovered and THAT NOTHING WAS BEING DONE. Hence, a trip to the ER in The Really Big Teaching Hospital was deemed necessary; thankfully an ambulance was not within his requirements.

The waiting room was, of course, full to capacity so Mr. Bunker commenced to perform his own triage, becoming irate if someone that looked less miserable than he got called for treatment during the course of our wait.

He badgered the triage nurse the same way he'd badger an IHOP hostess on a Saturday morning; always a useful tactic. I probably could have coached him to add in a little bit of chest pain with a pinch of SOB, but I wasn't feeling that kindly towards him, plus I was reading a good book ("Into Thin Air") and enjoying a big bag of cherry Twizlers. I was fairly content. Well, except for when he started demanding that I call St. Bob's and the other Big Teaching Hospital to see was their wait time was like, and then when he announced to all who would listen that he couldn't sit anymore and was going to go outside and lie in the grass (this is why it is good to stay home in bed when you don't feel good). Then he railed about the the service here being terrible and he'll soon take his business elsewhere. So what if there was a huge MVA, he was here first and he has good insurance.

Finally at 11:30 we got called, and Archie delivered his complaint to the unfortunate intern (remember, it's July, so the interns are mainly concerned about trying to not get lost when they attempt to figure out where the fuck the restrooms are. DON'T GO TO A TEACHING HOSPITAL IN JULY).

Intern: "So what brings you in tonight Mr. Bunker?"

Archie: " Well, I'm SICK, can't you tell?? I got a fever and I can't walk and my hands are swolled and I can't move them and this swellingness is in my feet won't stop and it feels like I'm gettin' stabbed by a knife in my wrist. I can't walk and my legs are numb and I think I had this same feeling about 6 months ago when I got out of my truck so maybe it's all coming from my back. I'm getting PERMANENT damage in my nerve endings because they hurt and I got bitten by a mosquito a few nights ago and I got a red rash all over my body that looked like sunburn but it's getting better now but that time I got out of my truck I almost fell down, this might all be workers comp! And my throat hurts and I can't gelp (swallow) at all! this happened once during my ute (youth) when I couldn't gelp anything and my glands got swollen and I took penicillin for a while and now I can't turn my head and look left. And I get fever and I can't sleep and my balls have really been itching and I used some cream, maybe I got some bacteria from that or an allergy."

intern goes, resident comes.

Resident: "So intern says your sick. how long has this been going on?"

Archie: 5 days or 6 months. My feet seem numb! I can't feel my baby toes, AND my son said his feet hurt the other night when we were at the movies seeing Harry Potter! he took his shoes off and said his feet hurt! This must be something contagious! we're all going to get sick! I can't walk! look at me walk! (walks). I can't walk! What's wrong with me, please tell me what's wrong with me. Don't forget the giant red rash and the fever and my ENTIRE BODY HURTS like the time I was in the bar and the bouncer told me not to go outside and I went outside and I got punched in the nose and I had to spend the night in jail. That's kind of how I feel. And my neck hurts and my back hurts like the time I was getting out of my truck and I almost fell down. Maybe I have diabetes or that Limes disease."

Resident: (to his credit) "I have no idea."

resident leaves attending comes.

Attending: "So it sounds like there's a lot going on with you. Are you feeling stressed out or anxious? Is your wife leaving your crazy ass?? (ok. a little embellishment).
Mrs. Bunker, may I speak to you in the hallway?"

Archie Bunker: "Oh so you're the real doctor? why can't you talk to me? I have to tell you everything and see if you can figure it out. WHAT? YOU BETTER TELL ME WHAT HE SAYS! I ain't making this shit up. I CAN'T WALK!! LOOK AT ME WALK!! (walks again).

Attending in the hall to me: "Vitals are fine, labs are fine, what do you want me to do with him?"

Ativan was administered along with some fluids, it got to be 4:30 am and we went home with Archie bitching about them being ignert fools and he's gotta find a Real Doctor who can figure out what's wrong with him. SHRINK. That is what we need here.

Maybe he does in fact have some dread disease, but must he whine SO MUCH?? And it would seem that he's improving. Asshole's wearing me out.

If you need a happy love story please visit Frankie's Hideout for some glittering sunshine, hearts and unicorns. The angels are humming Pachabel's cannon at the hideout today.


peedee said...

Hahahahaha!!! You got them to give him Ativan??? Brilliant!!

Fact: Men are flippen babies when they get sick.

You crack my shit up. Just sayin.

jennbird said...

I HATE July. With an intense passion. The length of my days doubles. Darn those teaching hospitals. *shakes fist and drives VERY carefully*

Frank Drackman said...

Edith, Edith, Edith, What a friggin Pussy, pardon my French... Only time I've gone to the ER as a patient was for an open Tib-Fib fx, and that time the State Patrols Breathalyzer was on the blink...
Why do I see a bad Law and Order episode in your future???
Just remember, when Briscoe and Green tell you they've got you dead to rights, they say that to EVERYBODY... the 5th ammendments your friend...


Mrs. Bunker said...

It won't be a "bad episode" of Law & Order, it'll be a GOOD one, you know, RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES. I'd like to be portrayed by Britney Spears or Courtney Love.
It's better than that Lifetime network episode that's in the works.

also "friggin pussy" is far to kind