Monday, August 31, 2009

Urban Kayaking

Who says you can't do outdoorsy activies downtown? We had a lovely Sunday afternoon Kayaking down the pristine waters of the Chicago river. We played "spot the 3 eyed frog" and managed to avoid getting plowed over by the distinguished gentlemen at the helm of the fancy fast boat named "Panty Puller", you classy bastards you!
Archie Bunker put the buoyancy of his craft to the test and complained most of the time (he was hoongary, needed a burger), but it was good fun. We didn't make it quite to the "Willis" tower; you can only push a group of 8 year-olds so far; hard to get a cab back if they get tired.

Yes, that is one giant condom floating in the water. The kids were playing a game trying to sink it by throwing rocks at it. I didn't feel like hosting a sex-ed chat so I told them it was a banana wrapper. Of course today in the grocery store they were intent on finding some banans that had that special wrapper. Shit.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Speaking Of Colonics.....

Dear Dr. Creepy, if you ever wake up from anesthesia, look up and see the eyes above peering down at you, you can be pretty sure that your man-parts will be missing. pretty scary huh?
That's Dr. Creepy Creeperson above. He owes me a lot of money. He owes Dr. P.A. more than he owes me. I have reconciled myself with the fact that the only way he's going to pay anything to anyone is if we invoke the dirty lawyers. The lawyers then, most assuredly, will be the ones to get all the money. This is bothersome, but I think I'm ready to act out of pure spite.

Knowing that the combined free labor of his associates (me & p.a.) paid for his extravagant European vacations with his teenage girlfriend while sending his kids to private boarding school makes that vein in my forehead throb.
Based on the embarrassing pharmaceutical deliveries to the office, I'm guessing his johnson's a little, well...about as stiff as his spine I guess.

If he needs money, he could always sue that artiste that did the lipo on his prodigious front butt, because that thing is back! disgusting! How do you stay fresh all day with that thang out in front?

And to finish this cheerful post with some of the splendor provided by humanity, a little reminder to always remember your belt.


Look past the fancy suit and office and giant gold wristwatch. Keep looking.....this is what they all look like deep down on the inside. They are ALL more full of shit that Gwenyth Paltrow prior to her COLONIC CLEANSING diet (yuck). And don't say something stupid like "well I know Blah Blah and she donates her time to help abused puppies and incontinent women" , because if an individual is involved in the practice of law in the U.S of A. then this cheesy fucker is lurking somewhere beneath. TRUTH!

Even the ones that SEEM nice and noble are obviously just trying to pad their resumes. If you're a lawyer and you're reading this than I want you to know right now that you may not bill me for this, and that yes, I am referring to YOU. And if you're my friend and you're a lawyer, maybe you should just stay away from me for a while because I'm a little irked right now and I could opt to deliver a nice kick to your crotch bone. If a lawyer is ever nice to your, remember that the clock's tickin' baby, grab your wallet, and RUN AWAY, don't spatter anything on the fancy suit, otherwise you'll get sued for the cleaning bill, pain and suffering, loss of sexy times, and physical therapy (that's always added, right?).

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Betty and Veronica: The Ultimate Travesty of Justice!

If Betty can persevere and carry on with her activities of daily life after that peckerhead Archie proposed to Veronica, then it's time for me to quit moping around, follow Betty's fine example, and get on with it myself.
Oh Betty... After 50 years and 600 issues, Veronica gets the hardware. Veronica! The rich spoiled self-involved drama queen gets the guy. How can this be?? This is like picking Paris Hilton over Hannah Montana, Ginger over Maryanne, Stepsister over Cinderella, Angelina over Jennifer, Bratz over Polly Pocket. UNJUST!
Don't worry Betty, It may hurt now but it won't last. Go drink some whiskey shots, have a good womanly blubber & listen to Night Light Love Songs, then start some rumors about genital warts or something. It'll all work out in the end.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Good News/Bad News/ Marijuana / Surgery

  • The good news: Passed the first part of the boards!

    The bad news:
    It doesn't really matter! After my check-up with buzz-kill Dr. Glaucoma, I apparently can't do surgery anyway, since my depth perception has seemingly become so poor that it's a wonder I can negotiate my way into a bar to drown my sorrows, and even then I'd probably just end up missing my yap and pouring beer into my poor wrecked eye.
    Suddenly I'm a hazard in the OR. Ive been advised to take a month off from surgery and try to get my vision back to where it's just half bad.
    It's ok, I'm kind of tired of those early mornings anyway, and scrubs have never really flattered me. Also, I HATE starting the day by getting my hair squished into those hats.
    More good news: Time for desperate measures. You know, mary jane, hooter, reefer, ganja, herb, chronic, blunts. All good til the 'ole random drug test at the hospital..."honest! It's for a medical condition!" this could be a little embarrassing.

    Fortunately my specialty is one in which a practitioner may prosper with or without performing surgery. The with surgery option is generally the way to prosper a bit more, well, prosperously. Since I've opted to be a part-timer on account of the whole motherhood thing, the funds generated by surgery barely offset the malpractice premiums that I need to pay in order to maintain my surgical privileges.
    It seemed that it would be worthwhile, -although a massive pain in the ass-to continue operating in order to maintain my skills so that when I do go back to full time I'll remember how to hold a drill and how to keep those soft & spoiled residents in line.

    Now I'm weighing the pros & cons of continuing to perform surgery, this is based upon the expectation that I will not be getting to know my new "companion dog" while my kids mock me for having my shirt on backwards when I go out begging with my tin cup.

  • Reimbursements suck, and get suckier every year. I seriously doubt that they will increase with president BHO at the helm, or that payments will increase if there is "reform". I can make more $ doing a few office procedures and not have to waste half my day drinking shitty surgery center coffee.
  • Insurance companies do not want to pay for ANYTHING (except for real estate), and they try really hard not to pay via many time consuming exercises with the expectation that eventually the provider will cave in or die of old age before the claim is paid.
  • Malpractice insurance my premium would drop by 70%, if I was non-surgical and that's a lotta shoes & Cheetos.
  • Global period the "global" is the amount of time that I am required to see the patient post-operatively for NO CHARGE. It's usually 30-60 days after the surgery, and even if they come in every single day following the surgery I cannot bill them for anything, even if it's not related to the surgery. Technically you may bill for issues that are not related to the surgery, but it's an audit flag so my biller told me to just suck it up, and I do. Is anyone surprised that the global periods are getting longer??
  • Complications, usually these become apparent in the wee hours of the morning, generally they can be dealt with over the phone. Treatment of these will usually fall into the "global coverage" category.
  • Lawsuits. Any outcome that is perceived to be any less that 100% splendid perfection is lawsuit fodder, even if it is proven to be the fault of the patient's through conscious and deliberate non-compliance. Somebody who is not qualified to put on a bandaid then decides that a wrong has been committed, and someone who would pimp out his own mom for a buck "educates" the jury who levy the final judgment, which means that I went to school for over a decade so that my professional judgment may be scrutinized by a body of people who's sole qualification is that they are registered to vote.
  • sounds good at class reunions