A visit home

This is what a short visit to my hillbilly hometown can do to me. I went there bitchy and depraved, and came back bitchy and disabled. Seriously. The photo above is what I have in my future, except I will be smoking camels and wearing hot shoes. Why not mow the lawn in stilettos if you don't actually have to walk?
Today is the first day I can function without sounding like I have Turret's syndrome, as the F-bomb has been flying outta my yap every time I move my head or twist my back. I've been walking around like I have a stick up my ass because it hurts to move even a little; it's amazing what a 'lil muscle spasm can do to your posture and disposition. GRIM.

I think this condition developed secondary to prolonged exposure to my kin, my sister-in-law in particular. She does not feel like she is fully dressed unless she is sporting a durable medical device of some sort. She rotates though the wrist brace, the neck brace, the knee thingy and the short leg walker. I'm pretty sure that my lumbar spasms started when she started rubbing her bunions during dinner. This likely initiated a reflexive flinch which was opposed by good manners, resulting in a neurological snafu rendering me visibly motionless despite an internal conflict of vast proportions; anyway I was wrecked.
Well, I'm all better now and I'm seriously ready to beat someone's ass. I have pent up aggressions and a great shitload of laundry. GD-effing housewife with a bad attitude, that's what I am today. Yesterday I was a scary GD-effing Dr. who couldn't move her head without yelling FUCK. I'm sure all those patients will be back to schedule their surgeries with me real soon.

AND as if I'm not bitchy enough, Archie Bunker was home sick today, laying around moaning like he's going to die or somefin. He's pretty sure he's got ammonia. If I have to listen to him hawk up another luggie I promise I will rip his lungs out. It's the same cold that everyone in the family has had, but of course he got the serious version, the male version is much worse. Mine was just a little sniffle, his may require emergency hospitalization, this according to the man himself. I guess he will have to go to the hospital if he ends up with his lungs ripped out. Asshole.