I was the designated mommybot charged with chaperoning the third grade on their final field trip, which was a double-decker bus ride through our own fair city.
This means that I arrived drunk and passed a bottle of Jack around on the bus, and if one of the little tykes hesitated I said "shut up you baby, all the cool kids are doing it". Then I shank-eyed the teacher and told her she needed to learn how to control the little monsters, whacked her with my Gucci bag and passed out in the back seat with a lit cigarette. HAHA. Kidding. I gave up cigarettes long ago.
It is fun to be a tourist in your own town, because usually we're all too busy plotting our next crime to look up and enjoy the architecture, which in Chicago is truly magnificent. We had a perfect day to have both third grade classes trapped on one vehicle. This makes chaperoning relatively easy as they cannot escape.
If the kids were assigned to share the most memorable part of the tour it would be what is depicted in the photo below. And no, it's not the Aon building, nor is it the striking bandshell in Millennium Park. Try to guess.
Ok, I'll tell. It's the lack of the hat on the tour-guide's head.
Much to the delight of the third grade, his ball-cap blew off while he was in the middle of a Mies van der Rohe anecdote, those crazy German architects will getcha every time!
Of course the kids couldn't give a shit less about the architect story, but dude's Cubs had flew off and it was JOYFUL. Of course the fact that he demanded that the bus pull over and that he then proceeded to chase his hat in the wind through four lanes of traffic did not serve to quell the enthusiasm.
That is the part that will be remembered by the children of the third grade.
Just to share a little, here's the Hancock building, right next to Water Tower Place, aka "Where Oprah Lives".
The driver of the bus was obviously somewhat new to the job, because on the way back to the school (about 3 blocks from the Hancock) he managed to take a swing through the scenic projects. Maybe he was just trying to maintain some balance, I dunno. We did get a couple of salutes from the good folks in the Cabrini projects, fortunately firearms were not involved. Could have been bad for me, what being the chaperone I should have worn my kevlar after all, I guess
10 comments:
Mrs B
I know its Chicago and all, but why are third graders even considered for an architectural field trip? Must be a city thang??
Gia
Mommybot??? I LIKE that, like it alot, sort of a Stepford Wives thing...
and they really have double decker tours of Chicago??? I thought that was just in that "The Breakup" movie, which totally sucked, except when Jennifer Anniston walked down the hall nekkid.
You try that in Atlanta(Double Deck Bus Tour, not walkin down the hall nekkid) and you'll be tourin the Trauma Bay down at Crawford Wong(famous Chinese Doctor)Hospital.
And whats a tour of Chicago with no Wrigley Field?, no Al Capone's Vault? it'd be like tourin Atlanta and not seein the Margaret Mitchell House.
And I know this whole thing was just to give you an iron-clad Alibi for Mr. Bunkers demise,
Chow, Frank
GO AHEAD KEEP RUBBING IT IN!!! Big deal your a NON Smoker and shit. Quitter.
lol Just kidding! Not. ;)
I loved Chi-town when we were up there. I might even consider going back some day. That says a lot because I dont normally like big cities. NYC could fall off the map for all I care. Maybe my disdain for NYC is because I worked in that nasty smelly shithole for a year. Dodging bums and muggers constantly.
Chi-town was CLEAN, didnt SMELL and the people were actually NICE. Weird.
Dear Mrs. Bunker,
I have Low Taste like the third graders, so I am thrilled with my first picture of the Cabrini projects. Un-believable.
Now this is where the Jack Black and the cigarettes come in handy. You throw them off the bus, hitting the shooter's head if possible, and then watch as he gets trampled for the loot. Or, you can light it and throw it a la Molotov.
In New Orleans, during the Irish Parade, they throw cabbages and brown potatoes. Perhaps that would also have worked. Concussion at the very least!
After watching someone chasing his hat through 4 lanes of traffic (I also love STUNTS) a little Molotov would be just the thing to round out the experience.
Seriously, Cabrini looks like something out of Dante's Inferno. I'll send a hope to every well-intentioned parent in the circle of hell, that they manage to keep the good alive.
Cheers, and hang onto your Hat! i mean, that Gucci handbag!!
Ann T.
I've never been o Chicago so it was fun to see the pictures.....I'm a Oprah fan so enjoyed seeing her building.....so fun to have you back and writing more often. have a great day! Pat
Gia: The tour's are actually pretty tailored to different groups, so they have a tour that's good for school-kids. They were just happy to be outside on a nice spring day. It was one of their favorite field trips of the year, second only to the aquarium. It's a lot of fun, I defiantly recommend it to visitors. Besides the buildings we went through two of the parks where there are amazing gardens and public art. It was great fun.
Frank (not gay) Drackman: The double deckers are for real. And who needs Al Capone's vault when you get to go through Cabrini-Green? And you have to admit it's a pretty slick alibi, practice run went off without a hitch!
Peedee: Chicago is a nice city. it's pretty easy to navigate, and as far as big city people go, we're pretty friendly. all except for that asshole that I'm married to of course. I think you were here in the winter, which means that you missed half the fun. It's SO much fun in the summer when everyone's on the lakefront and all the restaurants open their sidewalks. Obviously you'll need to come again.
Ann T.: Cabrini is a nightmare. It is being torn down bit by bit because it is built on expensive real estate. When I fist came here (nearly 15 years ago) Cabrini was in full operation and it was dangerous, we certainly could not have driven through as we did the other day. Somehow, some city planners decided that a massive public housing project nestled right next to the city's most affluent neighborhood would work out with everyone living in perfect harmony.
I'm sure they meant well.
Pat: Thank you! it's good to be back, I trust that your having a nice visit from your family? My mom just left and I miss her already.
you're not THAT far away! you could probably take the Amtrak in, catch an Oprah taping & enjoy a little shopping.
They tore down the Atlana Housing Projects back in the 90's, pushing all the former tenants into the Suburbs, you know, sorta like the way Cancer Metastasizes.
So now Clayton and Dekalb counties are just like big housing projects, and the only thing keepin em out of my neck of the woods are that Asians won't rent/or sell to em' out here, they barely sold to me, and that was only cause I made sure I had the"Chinese Eyes" when I looked at the house.
And I paid in Cash.
Frank "I think I'm turnin Japanese" Drackman
Mrs. B I haven't been to Chicago except to change planes in years. It is one of the 4 airports we can fly to out of Corn City, Indiana. Indianapolis isn't one of them. We can fly non-stop to Dallas, Atlanta, Chicago and Detroit, but not our own State Capital.
Oh, and they don't allow guns in Chi-town, and I never leave home without mine.
Frank: That's pretty much what happened here, most of the residents of the projects were pushed out to the 'burbs, particularly those with good access the public transportation. The group that stayed in the city wrecked a few neighborhoods that had traditionally been solid working class black neighborhoods. Those are the neighborhoods where all the shootings are now. This is SHOCKING being that is illegal to have a firearm in the city of Chicago.
CJ: oh yea, that fabulous "Indianapolis International Airport"? Where do they fly that's international anyway? Cancun?
The airport does look like protein alpha helices and beta pleated sheets, this made me happy in my chemistry days.
I'm really happy about the stringent gun laws in Chicago because they are SO effective. Nobody ever gets shot here.
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