All these awful tramps after my sweet baby boy. What's a mother to do? How can a six year-old be expected to hold up against their trashy womanly wiles?? The current offender is nearly 3 full months older than he! I'm sure there are laws prohibiting this sort of outrage.
Last year it was that promiscuous little JAP Syndey; not in an exotic Asian "Jap" way, but rather the "I wanna got to Miami" and Bat Mitzva type JAP (that would be "Jewish American Princess" for anyone who is reading in Indiana and truly stumped). In order to correct this awkward situation I explained all about how, if he married Sydney, he would be forced to go to medical school AND he'd never have Christmas, AND the joys of bacon sandwiches would be a sweet gustatory memory of the past. In addition, we went and observed behavior and services rendered at some of the high-end salons up on the north shore until he fully understood that he would never, ever, be able to afford her.
The year before it was the Spanish diplomat's strumpet, Maria. A few carefully thought-out calls to the embassy about the obvious FACT that the trick was some kind of Jr. Al Qaeda operative-in-training...why else the olive skin and the long jet black hair? And come to think of it, her chair was always facing east. Coincidence?? I think not. Well anyway, that particular little running sore finally retreated back to her own land.
This year the offender has surfaced. LANIQUE. Draw your own conclusions. She's tall and exotic and easily the smartest girl in the class. I told The Boy that it's just fine so long as all he wants to do is copy off her paper, but now I'm seeing these little googoo eyes, and I'm just sick over it! SICK! She's been perfectly agreeable until about yesterday, now this warped seduction. Pretty soon she'll be wanting to come over so they can ride bikes together. I'm sure the moment that they're out of my sight she'll be showing him her knickers. Appalling.
Don't worry honey, momma will check out all your girlfriends for you, momma won't let anyone dirty get through (please review Pink Floyd Lyrics, "Mother")
Lanique's dad is some kind of pro-athlete type, and although I'm sure I could whip his ass, I'm not positive about my boy. I don't know if being a teacher's helper once a week is enough. It could be that I need to be there more. This motherhood thing is difficult, new challenges all the time.
12 comments:
Lanique Bunker. Nope doesnt work. Tell him Kwanza is far less fun compared to Christmas. I think there's fasting involved too.
You are SO right! I need all the ammo I can get here.
HEY! I married a JAP, and still celebrate Christmas, OK we call it December 25th, and I eat all the Bacon I want.
Kosher Turkey Bacon :(
Nice set of Hooters...
Frank
Edith, you have to stop mixing with the wrong people. You need to get the boy into something like, oh, hockey. Can't be soccer, or baseball or you'll just get more of the same type parents with same type kids. Maybe you should move out to the Burbs, maybe Cicero, or Oak Forest (LMAO) then at least Mr. B can sit in the garage (door open) on a nice summer afternoon surrounded by his stuff. Reclining in his favorite lawn chair in his wife-beater t-shirt and black socks, beer in hand taking in a Cubs game... so normal.
-SCRN
"for anyone who is reading in Indiana"
I resemble that remark, but I understand the whole JAP thing. I'm not Jewish, but I am circumcised.
I'm not FROM Indiana, for crying out loud, I just live here. I'm FROM Alabama, but I never went to no Klan meetings.
SCRN: You HAVE been hanging out with him. Cicero! HA! he'd be so perfect there.
Frank, seems like you've done a little moaning about the maintenance issues in the past. And Mrs. D was just doing what a good Jewish girl is supposed to do, which is marry a doctor, although I am surprised that you passed muster with the military background and all.
What if you had a kid who wanted to join up? Kids with a Jewish mom are less likely to join the military service (unless it's the Mossad) than my son is of going to the VIP room in strip club.
And CJ, wow, those Hoosiers are much more classier that them Alamamaians. There was a Jewish kid in my Jr. High School (Indiana). One. Only kid in the county named Moses.
Daughter #1's already studying for her instrument rating...
Not big on her joining the military myself..but aren't many civilian FA-18 jobs out there...
and Daughter #2's wearing out my "Munich" DVD...she'll make a great Mossad agent.
Frank
It's only the beginning. You're going to love the giggling hang-up calls at 2 a.m.
Dear Mrs. Bunker,
Congratulations! You are raising a child who knows what he wants and has eclectic taste.
According to Freud, children get their ambition from their opposite-sex parent. Back atcha!
They learn their moves from the same-sex parent.
So I would say, next few years? Be sure the condoms are not close to the expiration date. Quality is important!
And jewelry belongs to Mother, not to floozies!
Ann T.
Ann, you crack me up!! -and you are always 100% correct.
-SCRN
Linnn, the way your kid looks you're lucky you don't have groupies camping in the backyard.
Ann T: I suppose my taste has been a bit eclectic over the years as well, so I guess I can accept that statement. What happened at decision time though?? I should have stuck with the Chinese stockbroker or the Australian Chemist. They were somewhat exotic for a hillbilly type like myself. WHY oh why the Archie Bunker man?? I can't complain too much about him (even though I do) because he did have a significant contribution to the kids.
I guess if The Boy gets his moves from his old man he'll do ok; that old liquor 'em up trick will always have some utility.
and damn right, the jewelry goes to the mama. me, that is.
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