I think that allowing our girl children to watch midget porn would be better parenting than filling them up with the Disney Princess crap. At least the porn would involve consenting adults who are fully conscious, unlike the princesses, most of whom are in their mid-teens and occasionally comatose (sleeping beauty, snow white).
Poor maligned Barbie at least has career aspirations, while the Princesses seemingly are able only to sing (Aurora, Belle, Ariel), clean (Snow White, Cinderella), and await rescue by The Manly Man (all). Of primary importance, they are all young, beautiful and stacked. Yes, Belle likes to read; but for all we know she's reading Danielle Steel drivel or some Jackie Collins shit. I guess she's not reading about Stockholm syndrome.
Also noteworthy is that in the hands of Disney, the gift of intelligence bestowed upon Aurora by a Fairy Godmother in the original fairy tail was changed to the gift of song. Yes, I know Disney did not invent the entire damsel in distress genre, and I admit to enjoying the occasional happy ending chick flick myself, but let's just quit this happily ever after shit already.
And where are the fat chicks? the ugly ones? the old ones?
Well, they are all evil. Consider the fat chick: Ursula in the Little Mermaid who is an evil sea slag of some sort. Next some ugly ones: Cinderella's mean bully step sisters. How about old chicks? Apparently Snow White's entry into womanhood was coincident with her vain and wicked stepmother starting to prune up; recall that the loss of her "fairest in the land" status kicked off her homicidal rage.
There are generally two female Disney characters:
1. The young, helpless, orphaned, beautiful princess
2. The fat/ugly/old embodiment of evil. I consider the Fairy Godmothers an anomaly; whenever they are present they are just counseling the princess on how to get the guy by every method short of the old pinhole-in-the-condom trick.
Perhaps the most annoying and consistent theme extending even to Bambi and Nemo is the dead or absent mother. Cinderella and Snow White have evil stepmothers. Pocahontas wear's her dead mom's ring around her neck. Ariel's mom was killed (or something) by pirates. Belle has no mother. I don't know where Mulan and Jasmine's mothers are, but only their fathers are included in the story. Nemo's mom gets offed in one of the early scenes, and we all know about poor Bambi's mom; but she at least had a speaking role. Why must the vacuous twattles be motherless? Maybe because their mothers, if present, would have said something like "honey get your head out of your ass, put on some clothes, and get a job". Maybe.
I heard that the little mermaid sequel may include Ariel having a baby. This will not contradict my above thesis because she'll likely die in childbirth as her lower half is a fish, and she probably lacks a proper birth canal (maybe an "Alien" type birthing?). So how did she get knocked up in the first place? Probably just from sweet kisses, because I'm pretty sure the Disney gals don't fuck.
Is all this malice just because I'm bitter in general? I'm pretty sure my Disney disdain predated my generalized man bitterness, but I guess maybe I am a bit sore because my prince turned into a frog. BACKWARDS. I got it backwards. shit.
Am I an awful mother because I don't permit the whole Disney cabal? They have not been out-and-out banned (as have the Slutz dolls) but I have discouraged them, and maybe even accidentally pitched a few of the accouterments into the throw away pile citing lead or magnet containment. Naturally, Nick digs the shit out of the dumpster if he finds it; cursing and ranting at my wasteful extravagance. Who knows when you may need an ill-fitting sequined leotard with an attached tulle skirt?
Poor maligned Barbie at least has career aspirations, while the Princesses seemingly are able only to sing (Aurora, Belle, Ariel), clean (Snow White, Cinderella), and await rescue by The Manly Man (all). Of primary importance, they are all young, beautiful and stacked. Yes, Belle likes to read; but for all we know she's reading Danielle Steel drivel or some Jackie Collins shit. I guess she's not reading about Stockholm syndrome.
Also noteworthy is that in the hands of Disney, the gift of intelligence bestowed upon Aurora by a Fairy Godmother in the original fairy tail was changed to the gift of song. Yes, I know Disney did not invent the entire damsel in distress genre, and I admit to enjoying the occasional happy ending chick flick myself, but let's just quit this happily ever after shit already.
And where are the fat chicks? the ugly ones? the old ones?
Well, they are all evil. Consider the fat chick: Ursula in the Little Mermaid who is an evil sea slag of some sort. Next some ugly ones: Cinderella's mean bully step sisters. How about old chicks? Apparently Snow White's entry into womanhood was coincident with her vain and wicked stepmother starting to prune up; recall that the loss of her "fairest in the land" status kicked off her homicidal rage.
There are generally two female Disney characters:
1. The young, helpless, orphaned, beautiful princess
2. The fat/ugly/old embodiment of evil. I consider the Fairy Godmothers an anomaly; whenever they are present they are just counseling the princess on how to get the guy by every method short of the old pinhole-in-the-condom trick.
Perhaps the most annoying and consistent theme extending even to Bambi and Nemo is the dead or absent mother. Cinderella and Snow White have evil stepmothers. Pocahontas wear's her dead mom's ring around her neck. Ariel's mom was killed (or something) by pirates. Belle has no mother. I don't know where Mulan and Jasmine's mothers are, but only their fathers are included in the story. Nemo's mom gets offed in one of the early scenes, and we all know about poor Bambi's mom; but she at least had a speaking role. Why must the vacuous twattles be motherless? Maybe because their mothers, if present, would have said something like "honey get your head out of your ass, put on some clothes, and get a job". Maybe.
I heard that the little mermaid sequel may include Ariel having a baby. This will not contradict my above thesis because she'll likely die in childbirth as her lower half is a fish, and she probably lacks a proper birth canal (maybe an "Alien" type birthing?). So how did she get knocked up in the first place? Probably just from sweet kisses, because I'm pretty sure the Disney gals don't fuck.
Is all this malice just because I'm bitter in general? I'm pretty sure my Disney disdain predated my generalized man bitterness, but I guess maybe I am a bit sore because my prince turned into a frog. BACKWARDS. I got it backwards. shit.
1 comment:
You are hysterical....you need a book deal!!......
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