Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Pink-Slipping the Spouse




To summarize the last several months:

Mrs. Bunker and her chainsaw emporium have receded into the past. This not-so-sad demise was due to her ability to locate her long lost spine; this led to the abrupt dismissal of Mr. Archie Bunker, from whom the sad beat-down known Mrs. Edith Bunker drew her identity.

So then. After a 14 year relationship (married 11, 2 children) I finally yanked the stick out of my ass, packed up my clothes, and fled the family home with the kids as Mr. Bunker chased me down the street with a fistful of insanity. He soon came to his senses, and to my immense relief, it turned out he was going to be just fine with a divorce (I had been holding him back in so many ways) and he wanted to have an amicable spit; maybe we could even save on legal fees and use the same attorney...

The problem turns out to be that his idea of an amicable split involves him keeping everything and me getting out with my clothes (the other problem, of course is that he is an obsessive-compulsive, eating-the-paint-off-the-walls, sniffing-his-own-ass crazy person). This in some ways doesn't seem like that bad of a deal, being that it includes the vital provision of me no longer having to be married to his stupid ass, AND I got to take my shoes; shoes are important to me. Still, I was prepared to walk away holding my nose and my dignity until I discovered that you can't just walk away from a $2M house if you're on the deed and your spouse has taken $1.9M out in equity on said house. DRAT!

That was the first bit of bad news, followed-up quickly by his demonstration that he did not even pause for one nanosecond to decide whether or not throwing the kids into the middle of our dispute would be an appropriate strategy. Turns out, he does not find that sort of thing at all distasteful. The kids are old enough to understand that I am not actually out peddlin ' poon to the gals, but still. Their recent expansion in vocabulary is not going to be of any use to them in any academic sense; maybe if they have to to go to prison it'll be helpful but really not for a while; "carpet mucher" is just confusing to them, and personally I think it's a little out dated as far as slang is concerned; how about "dykenator" or "vagatarian"? much more interesting.


No longer having Mrs. Bunker to shoulder the brunt of my bitching has left a bit of a void in my life, but I have been advised to abandon her as she could cause me some divorce-type problems. So here I am, snowed into my cozy little apartment by the big blizzard of 2011, casting about for a new identity. All this while I have to spend time fending off charges of being the drug addicted, drunken, lesbian, child abusing, suicidal wreck being leveled by that baby daddy of mine.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

OH yea oh yea .....your back, I'm so glad missed you. I'm in Arizona for three months(gift from my kids) so glad I'm out of the horrible snow. So happy your back....Pat(towel lady)

Edith Winehouse Plath Etheridge said...

Hi Pat! thanks for sticking around, glad you're enjoying some warm weather! my folks are in Texas since before Christmas and I'm glad everyone is staying warm.

Anonymous said...

I check everyday to see if your back so sorry you have to put up with all the crap but in the end it will be well worth it ....he'll be the loser. anyway your back and that makes me happy! stay warm!....Pat

Anonymous said...

Ish. Whattanasshole. Figured he'd be trying to reinforce his maleness for all who might QUESTION THAT his gloriousness is something all women want AND would fight for UNLESS they were lesbian BUT that arguement can go both ways for the poor fuckup BECAUSE normal guys are supposed to lust after lesbians too WHICH confuses the hell out of Archie BECAUSE he is so stoopid that he is not sure IF he just paid you a compliment or not.

I am glad that you are around, and even though you are still in "it" with this mess, you appear to be intact, and your behavior is situationally appropriate ;o)

Your favorite nurse,
SCRN

Capt. Schmoe said...

Lesbo huh? Any pics?

We're all pigs.

Glad you are still alive.

Your pal, Schmoe

Edith Winehouse Plath Etheridge said...

PERFECT summary SCRN. He is thoroughly confused, this is pleasing to me in a 6th grade kind of way. Thanks for visiting!

Sorry Capt, no pictures! I think I bought 'em all back. Nice to hear from you. Perv.

Frank Drackman said...

Edith, I know this is a time when you find out how who your REAL friends be, I mean are...
And if you need a shoulder to cry on, need to rap, or just get stoned to the Be-jesus belt, you know who to call.
So..........................
You up for a 3-Way???

theoretically, I mean...

Frank

Frank Drackman said...

and by "3-Way" I mean you and 2 of your hot XX friends.
I'm a "Happily" Married Man.
Dammit.

Frank

Big Fuckin Gertrude said...

How did he borrow on the house without your signature? 100% fraudulent if that's what happened. Doesn't a refi require notarization?

Oh noes he's gonna stop paying the mortgage out of pique and ruin your credit! Hey it's only seven years, you'll be so busy having coffee at the gallery with Fritz (honey, everybody knows he's gay...) you won't notice. Smart money's on apartments now anyway. When the bank forecloses that's one fewer links between you and Archie.

In calling you names he's already losing the battle for your kids' respect. This is one of those glorious moments when you can, uh, dilate him nice simply by keeping your cool. Remember that and you will skate through the ugly moments.

Edith Winehouse Plath Etheridge said...

Frank! your thoughtfulness is heartwarming. I never knew you had such a sensitive side. I'll be sure to let you know about that XX situation, and I'm sure you'll probably want to attend our poetry club gatherings, right?

BFG: yes. he stopped paying the mortgage and yes, probably mostly to spite me. And the spouse does have to sign...I signed one, he probably forged one, I'm sure the legal system will hasten to set things right on my behalf. HA. It'll only hurt for 7 years, right?

Gia's Spot said...

Edith!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You havent lost your ability to make me spit out my coffee!! Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!! Hey I have room here if your endevours to rid yourself of Archie lead to witness protection..............xoxoxo
Gia

Nagerttocs said...

"dykenator" or
"vagatarian" Great prose, my x, also had quite the Vagenda when it came time to prove the buddhist adage of
'nothing is permanent' ,nor was our marriage, kudos for your attitude. ! ciao

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