Saturday, February 5, 2011

Fairy Tale, True Love, etc.

Pay attention at the newsstand! The next issue of "Shit Parenting" magazine will contain a feature article about my soon to be ex lovah. The excitement about the forthcoming publication is nearly unbearable; I guess a little teaser is in order, so...
My shameless poor-excuse-for-a-hominid former mate has found the lowest-rent attorney in town; she's apparently hard-up for cash, and and even though they have about as much chemistry as Mr. Bunker and full time employment, they are gettin' ready to take this "rich doctor" down a notch. I'm sure they will continue to make a stunning pair until she figures out that he's got a major case of the crazies and that he is never ever going to pay her. He & this dollar tree advocate are really becoming about as irritating as a sandpaper thong during a long run on a hot day.

Here are a few things you might NOT want to do during a divorce as it may turn on you later in life when your sweet children morph into serial killers:
  • Do not tell your children that mommy will probably be going to prison.
  • Do not tell your 7 y/o son that his asthma meds are bad for him and are going to stunt his growth, just because your so fucking stupid you think steroids mean that he's going to sprout tits & menstruate.
  • Do not bring your kids with you on your 10pm-on-a-school-night grocery store run because you ran out of beer.
  • Do not tell your children that you're broke, and that Mommy has all the money when you call them during your European Vacation.
  • If you wish to continue bragging about your daughter's stellar academic performance, try to understand that a science fair project takes more than an hour to complete (unless your hypothesis is that it takes your daddy roughly one hour to locate his ass after he is rotated 180 degrees in either direction).
  • "Having a spare kidney" does not constitute a college savings plan.
I, of course, will continue to be polite, patient, and gracious as I do the stroll along the high road (high as in lofty elevation, not high as in stoned). I won't even make a crack about how retarded he sounds when he tells people that the "gloves are comin' on". See? Nary even a chuckle or smirk.


Anonymous said...

You go girl....He'll hang himself just opening his mouth....some men (not all) are such "assholes". I'm your biggest cheer leader. Pat

Capt. Schmoe said...

You lady doctor types are just so, so ....uppity!

Whats wrong with dragging your kid along on a beer run? So what if it's a school night? Who else is gonna keep an eye on the shotgun while I'm inside pickin' up that suitcase of Old Style. Isn't that kind of practical life experience?

I'm just sayin'

Edith Winehouse Plath Etheridge said...

Thank you Pat for keeping me cheered. Let's hope he does just that.

Capt: apparently you have seen them when they're out on a beer run. You better take cover if you ever see that shot gun moving; it'll either be in the hands of a 7 year old boy or a drunken foo.

Gia's Spot said...

Edith, So good to have you back to cheer up my life! You will have to post all Archie's identifiers so we women can avoid him at all costs! Bet he tries to sleep with his lawyer and claim it as payment for services redendered!!
Raise you glass, your horizon is looming!!
Ps thanks for the congrats on my newest baby grandbaby!

Big Fuckin Gertrude said...

Uh, really? If you're not embellishing he's quite the specimen. Words fail me.

Did your lawyer tell his lawyer that your ex don't pay? Got on the stick girl, that's gold and plus also it's the right thing to do by your ex's laywer. Harridans need to put food on the table too.

Anonymous said...

I knows me some Pipe Fittin N-words, who'll go to work on Mr.-Soon-to-be-livin-whats-left-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain with a pair of pliars and a blow torch...
umm not really, but you live in Chicago, shouldn't be that hard to find someone.
and by "Someone" I mean someone who knows someone who knows someone who'll be flyin out of Midway before the body's cold.

Theoretically anyway...

Frank "I'm not a lawyer but I've paid a few" Drackman

Edith Winehouse Plath Etheridge said...

Gia...eww. Let's just hope that nobody is THAT hard up for a paycheck.

BFG: His lawyer & my lawyer seem to be at a bit of an impasse. She has, however been given a courtesy warning about his tendencies. I give her a tiny pass in that all she knows is what he tells her. I'm sure she'll figure it out after the retainer is gone

Frank: such a problem solver!

Kathleen said...

Have finally read allll of your posts. Am completely caught up and thoroughly enjoyed it.....can't help but ask, "WTH attracted you to this 'smegma' in the first place???? Just curious how this 'match made in the underworld' ever come to fruition?

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Anonymous said...

You seem very naughty

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