Oahu Stairway to Heaven Hike & other nice things

This is Sandy Beach on Oahu, which is where you should go if you want to know what it feels like to go through a spin cycle in a Maytag. The beach is beautiful, the surfer boys who frequent the beach are also beautiful. The waves are a little too big, and even though I'm a good swimmer I was pretty sure I was going to drown a couple of times. The price of survival included having sea water drip out of my nose for the following day or so, and some sand which became so lodged upon my person that I could probably produce a grain or two right now if you give me a minute. My hosts found this tremendously amusing.

Next is Kailua beach. The warm water is some impossible shade of blue (not accurately represented by this photo) that I previously thought was restricted to interior designer's vocabularies and towels in fancy spas.
The sand is white and smooth, and it is rather awe inspiring to see it all in nature. The waves are small enough that the kids were allowed to frolic even though Mr. Bunker was certain an attack of sharks, jellyfish, killer whales or rouge waves was eminent; well almost certain enough to get off his ass instead of just shouting, but not quite (the sea breeze was noted to dampen noise in most appealing way).

We did several great hikes, but certainly the most memorable was the one known as "Stairway to Heaven".
This is closed to the public but I was permitted to participate because I'm sooo fab. Not really, but my friends who live there know the people you need to know.

"It's a great climb with amazing views, everyone wants to do this climb, you have to be in pretty good shape to do it, just grown-ups, no kids no dogs", "blah blah blah" and so on.

Most of the focus seemed to be on who had adequate cardio fitness to make it; I guess it's my own fault that I failed to mention that I'm afraid of heights which can come in to play if you are climbing ladders up the side of a fucking mountain.

The climb is almost four thousand steps up to the summit. The stairs were built by the Coast Guard for the purpose of sacrificing virgins during wartime. It starts pretty gently, and by the time I figured out that I was going to be scared, my stomach had already turned into a tight ball and fallen right out of my ass. This helped in that I did not need a snack for the duration of the climb.

When I got to the first landing I realized that I had made a terrible mistake and requested helicopter rescue. My very excellent guide, Joe, gently told me that I was acting like a giant pussy and would regret it for the rest of my life on earth if I didn't finish.
Not exactly those words you know, but that was what my ears heard. So I proceeded upward and soon found myself in a cloud which was helpful because I couldn't see how far up I was, however it made me so cold that I started to shiver and my hands got numb which made it hard to cling to the rungs. I made it to the top and scrawled my name in the book with my numb hands, so there is actual proof.

I survived and will probably be somewhat boastful, and act as if I just trotted up there instead of whimpering like a freshly Simonized American Idol contestant.

You can see everything from up there, even the "Swan" site from "Lost".

Where were you Sawyer, when I needed to be rescued?